


five times cullen pushed down his feelings and one time he opened up

by DrunkenWhalers



Series: Cullen's Explorations of Bisexuality [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bi-Curiosity, Bisexual Cullen Rutherford, Bisexual Male Character, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Like the possibility of an open relationship, M/M, Mentioned Polyam, Multi, No Smut, Sexuality Crisis, five times one time, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 14:25:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14570934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrunkenWhalers/pseuds/DrunkenWhalers
Summary: Makers breathCullen had only ever felt like this a few times, the countless times of seeing pretty girls he knew in the town square , blushing and blubbering after a simple “hi”. But the person he was currently looking at was a boy, not a girl. But despite that he couldn't help but let his heart pound in his chest, a crimson pigment forming on his plump cheeks.or the one in which cullen realizes he is bi over the course of many years





	five times cullen pushed down his feelings and one time he opened up

**Author's Note:**

> so I have been working on this for a while? I hope it is okay I just have not seen many fics where Cullen discovers his sexuality and such aaaa! esp with him being w fem trev at the same time haha. its kind of shit but *shrug* i hope you enjoy (((':
> 
> this is also my first dragon age fic so pls b kind thank

1.

 

It was a warm summer afternoon. The sun was shining through the painted chantry windows, the rays bouncing off the golden statues of Andraste. Cullen Rutherford sat among the floor of the house of worship as one of the Chantry mothers taught of The Bride of the Maker and her sacrifices she had made. The blond haired eight year old drifted off out of boredom, his eyes making their way to one of his fellow classmates. He admired them for a moment, their pale skin and red hair. The other child swung their head around ever so slightly, and Cullen met those blue eyes, expecting a feminine face as opposed to a masculine one.

 

_ Makers breath _

 

Cullen had only ever felt like this a few times, the countless times of seeing pretty girls he knew in the town square , blushing and blubbering after a simple “hi”. But the person he was currently looking at was a  _ boy, _ not a girl. But despite that he couldn't help but let his heart pound in his chest, a crimson pigment forming on his plump cheeks.

 

“Whad’  ya lookin at?” the boy quipped, confusion settling across his face.

 

“Ah , um n-nothing! Just thought you looked -”

 

_ “Cullen and Alder!” _ Mother Dupaul scolded “Pay  _ attention!”  _  Cullens eyes darted from the pretty - no not pretty, nice - boy in front of him, and tried his best to anchor his focus toward the woman's teachings of The Maker and His Bride , not being able to help but meet the other young mans gase every once in a while.

 

Later that night Cullen scolded himself, scolded himself for the thoughts that plagued his mind earlier in the day , then spending the rest of the time pushing off the thoughts for as long as he could. 

 

Well, at least for the next five years.

 

2.

 

“So this is your first week, eh?” A older boy with brown cascading curls asked, ushering Cullen into their shared quarters. 

 

Timidly, Cullen answered “Y-yeah.”

 

The other recruit smiled “Well , you will learn to love this, in time. My name is Charles, by the way.”

 

“Nice to meet you.”

 

Cullen had wanted to be a templar for as long as he could remember. He used to see his father , servicing the people and defending them all from the dangers of magic, and all he wanted was to  _ do just that. _ So, as soon as he was old enough, much to his mothers worry, at the age of 13, he signed up to be recruited for the ferelden templar order. He was accepted right away and given a few weeks notice to make his way to the circle tower on Lake Callahan. Now, staring at the dorm room in front of him, for the first time he was doubting his decisions. 

 

“I was nervous too when I joined” Charles mused. 

“You were?” Cullen was flabbergasted by this fact. A boy like Charles, strong and handsome - no stop that! -  nervous? 

 

“Yep. Was scared absolutely shitless! Thank Andraste that I am not as nervous as I was three years ago!” Charles let out a hearty chuckle, motioning for Cullen to come sit down with him on the freshly made bed beside him. Cullen compiled, resting upon the crisp sheets of the mattress, looking back towards the older boy before him. He studied his features, the dimples of his cheeks, the dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose - even the lush plumpness of his blush colored lips, contrasting with the dark pigment of his skin. He did not understand what he suddenly was feeling, the fluttering within his stomach, a lump forming within his throat. All he knew was that he wanted to admire the art before him, in wonderment and astonishment. 

 

“It will take some getting used to, with the getting up before sunrise every morning to train till midday - with only a short lunch break, but you will fall into the rhythm of it in time.” The brunette sighed and looked toward Cullen , smiling when he saw the awestruck look on the boys face. Cullen turned away, embarrassment over taking him. He could not help but let his mind float back to the last time he felt like this - no felt like this toward another  _ boy.  _ He could not help but let the flashing images of red hair and pale skin to plague his mind like a taint, reminding him of what he had repressed for so long.  _ But you like girls  _ he reminded himself, drowning out the memories as much as he could. He didn’t realize that the other boy had spoken until a deep voice piped up beside him.

 

“Cullen?” Charles asked, a hint of amusement in his voice. 

 

“W-what?” He blubbered nervously , his voice sharp and erratic. 

 

“I said,” the boy leaned forward, their faces less than a hands width apart. “Are you trying to hypnotise me with those big brown eyes of yours, cause I think it’s working.” 

 

Cullen didn’t realize he was leaning in slowly, so captivated by Charles’ words , until their lips met , chaste and innocent. He had kissed people before, many of whom were girls he flirted with around the chantry, but he had never felt like this before. It was not until he felt a wet tongue protruding at his bottom lip that he truly acknowledged the situation, pulling away quick and hastily.

 

“I-I’m sorry b-but I need to go!” The young boy tripped over his words (and his own feet) as he grabbed his burlap bag and headed out the dorm room door. 

“What’s wrong?” Charles asked, reaching for Cullens arm, the appendage swiftly pulled from his grasp.

 

“I just need to g-get going.” 

 

And with that he rushed out of the room, heading toward the office of his superior, in order to get his room changed.

 

The next time he saw Charles was at his funeral two months later , killed by an apostate.

  
  


3.

His heart was racing. He was surrounded by a barrier of some sort, an attempt to protect him from harm. There were many abominations running around the Circle Tower, along with a handful of blood mages. He was preparing himself for death. He kept praying to The Maker, begging for forgiveness. It was not until he heard footsteps approaching that he jumped out of his daze. He looked over and saw what only could be an old woman carrying a mage staff, a beautiful young blond woman clad in blood splattered armor, a malbri, another woman with a scowl stretched across her face (who looked rather scary, with her dark hair and staff), and a rather handsome man who had a striking resemblance to the Former King of Ferelden , King Merric. He was blond and had beautiful dark eyes - wait why was he thinking about that?

 

“Please help!” He begged on his knees. “ I-I am stuck here and don’t know what to do and-”

 

“What do you want?” The blond woman quickly said, looking down at Cullen. She was fairly good looking, her physique striking and her body full of confidence. See? He was back to appreciating women.

 

“Please just get me out of here. And whatever you do, don’t spare those mages! They are dangerous and should be treated as such!” Cullen pleaded. 

 

“From what I have seen, the mages here who were not involved in the slightest are scared shitless. They are no threat!” The young woman replied, scoffing the slightest bit. 

 

“How do you know?”   
  


“Because I do!”

 

Cullen sighed. “Fine then. Don’t help me.”

  
  


“We are not leaving you here to die.” She said , looking down at the curly haired man.

 

“You might as well with letting those apostates live!” Cullen growled, watching as the handsome man he saw  before began to speak.

 

‘Ellie, you need to relax a bit. He is understandably distraught!”  

 

“Well Alistair, if he really was distraught he would be running to help those poor mages…” She sighs, resting her face in her hand. 

 

Cullen looked back over at Alistair again, observing his features. He was rather husky but still had a bit of a babyface. His golden hair glimmered in the firelight, his cheeks dusted pink. Cullen began to feel the butterflies in his stomach again, but quickly pushed them down, killed them off.  

 

“At this point I don’t care what you do.” Cullen said exasperated. “Just please get justice for us all.Please.”

 

Ellie was quiet for a moment, seemingly thinking of a reply.

 

“Fine.”

 

And with that , the group of warriors left, heading through the door. As they walked away, Cullen caught himself a glance at Alistair. And to his surprise the man was looking back, that same blush on his young face.

 

_ Maker have mercy on him _

 

4.

  
  


Cullen stands on guard in The Gallows, watching over the mages of Kirkwall. He was newly appointed as Knight-Captain and was enjoying his position. The accommodations were much better than he was getting in the Circle Tower back in Ferelden, being that he got his own room as well as his own office. He felt wanted. One afternoon while on post, keeping an eye on the other templars, a rugged looking man and his companions approached him. He looked to be about in his late twenties , a burly build accompanied with a bushy black beard and hair to match. Cullen could not help but note internally that he was rather good looking, his robes (were those mage robes?) complementing his physique. As the man stepped closer, he began to recognize who it was. 

“Well, i’ll be damned! If it isn’t Knight Captain Cullen!” The man exclaimed once he was within earshot of Cullen.  One of his companions (who he swore he had seen a description on the Apostate Watch list) nudged the man with his elbow, trying his best to rear him. A fairly scantily clad woman in what looked to be pirate attire rolled her eyes, sighing along with the burly elf beside her.

 

“Hello,  _ Hawke”  _ Cullen replied sullenly. The last time Cullen had seen the man he had let an apostate run free, and if it weren’t for the fact that Hawke was the Champion, he would have kicked his ass long ago. Hawkes ass…. Cullen stealthily took a peak and holy Andraste did it look good in those leather leggings of his. Cullen mentally slapped himself. He was just appreciating the aesthetic of the man, right? It did not mean he was attracted to him, no way. 

 

“Aw… no need to be daft sweetheart!” Hawke outstretched his arms “I know you missed me!” . The elf grumbled as the tall blond next to Hawke let out a snort, trying his best to cover it up with a cough. 

 

“No, I did not miss the ruckus you and your little “clan” make whenever you come here.” He replied, a sneer in his voice. He could not help but admire the muscular arms Hawke had, though. He wanted to desperately reach out and touch him and - no Cullen , stop! 

 

“Love, you should quit antagonizing the man.” The possibly-might-be-an-apostate mused, placing a kiss on Hawke’s cheek. “You’re gonna get a sword in your back if you keep it up.” 

 

Hawke huffed “Fine… but only because I love you.” He smiled and kissed the man on the nose, earning a hearty chuckle from his lover.

 

Cullen was a little confused at this point. He had thought Hawke was into women, not men. Not that there was a problem with Hawke being attracted to those of the same sex, he just did not understand why he had fooled around with women when he obviously was more for the company of men. He  had seen him enter The Blooming Rose and purchase a “fun time” with the women there many a time. He had also seen him in a  _ rather intimate  _ position with the woman who was accompanying him. Maybe that was a bluff? There was no way he could be interested in men and women at the same time, that would be way too exhausting. But maybe- no… no way. Cullen shook his head, trying his best to get his mind on track. 

 

“Anyways.” Cullen let out “What are you doing here in The Gallows today. I would think such an outspoken mage rights activist like you are would avoid this place like the damned blight!” Cullen fixated his gaze, trying to look as professional as possible. Hawke smirked - that goddamn beautiful smirk- and opened his mouth to rebuttal. Before he could though, the quiet elf cut him off.

 

“I swear to The Maker , Garrett  if you turn this into a time to pull out your “Why mages should be free” presentation I know you and Anders have on hold  I will impale you on my sword like fucking grilled hala on a stick.” 

 

Hawke rolled his eyes “Whatever you say, Fenris.”  

 

The woman next to them scoffed  “Men and their petty threats. This is why I am glad I have the option of having women in my bed.”

 

“Shut up , Isabela!” Fenris quipped, an annoyed tone in his voice.

 

“Oh, I would love to see you try!” She cackled , shooting Fenris a look. “Or would you like Hawke to do that for you? Or are you too ashamed of leaving him all those years ago.”

 

“By the Dread Wolf….” A smaller elvish woman announced quietly, her dalish accent evident.

 

“Sorry kitten.” Isabella replied, looking at the elf.

 

_ What is with these people and their inability to choose? _

 

“Well if you have no need for me, I suggest you get going.” Cullen spoke, a bit of an edge on his words, too blunt to do any real damage but sharp enough to make a mark. “Would not want to charge you with disrupting a templar on duty, would we?”

 

“But I promise I will be a good boy , sir - HEY!” Hawke yelped as he was pulled away by Anders , the rest of his merry gang of misfits shooting Cullen a look of apology as they walked away. 

 

He sighed, turning his attention back to his templar duties. He tried his best, but his mind was crowded with images of coarse black hair and hearty chuckles. He really needed to stop doing this.

  
  


5.

 

“Inquisitor, do we have anymore requisitions?” Cullen asked, leaning over the war table.

 

“No we do not at the moment , Commander.” Aurora quipped, shifting from foot to foot.

 

Leliana piped in “But some of my spies might have a lead on where Corypheus is hiding.”

  
Cullen smiled “Good. Very good.”

 

A sudden knock was heard on the war room door.

 

Aurora sighed and walked over to the door, opening it slightly. Her jaw dropped when she saw who was behind it.

  
  


“Commander Cullen. Inquisitor Trevelyan. It is nice to see you!” The young king bellowed, walking into the room. “I heard that you might need some assistance in this war, and I am happy to help.”

  
Cullen gulped, looking at Alistair. He had not seen the man in years, not since his circle days. And damn did he look good. His jaw had sharpened along with his muscles, more taught then they were before. His skin was still that creamy tan color but it was more toned now, less blotchy and more even.,He was still beautiful. 

 

_ Stop it with those thoughts Cullen, you have a girlfriend! _

 

Cullen ran his fingers through his hair, looking at the king.

 

“Y-You’ve changed!” He sputtered out awkwardly. 

 

Maker strike him now

 

Alistair chuckled “Well I mean it has been, what? Ten years?”

 

“Y-yeah…” Cullen swallowed harshly, praying that he would not fuck this up

 

Maker, why was it so hard for him to speak to this man? He was acting like a love struck eighteen year old girl, not a thirty five year old man who was in a committed relationship with the love of his life. He took a deep breath.

 

“My Highness, shouldn’t Queen Ellie be with you?”  Cassandra asked, looking over at the man.

 

“Ah yes!” Alistair laughed. “She is currently trying her best to look for a cure for the Darkspawn taint. I miss her but last I heard she would be joining me shortly, by tomorrow at least.” 

 

Aurora looked over at Leliana “Didn’t you and Morrigan fight alongside Alistair and Eliana?” She asked tentatively.

 

Leliana bowed her head “Yes, yes we did!” She hummed.  “Although, I have not seen either of them in years. How all of us went from eating Ali’s ‘Ferelden Mush’ in the woods to eating off fine china on the regular I have no idea.”

 

“Hey!” Alistiar whined “You said that it was not that bad!”

 

Morrigan scoffed “Yes, because Eliana  always made sure to purchase pies in town, and by the time you finished making that concoction, we had been full and just fed our stew to that damned malbri.”

 

Aurora giggled, watching as the warden kings face turned bright red.

 

“So that’s why Edgar was always so gassy…” Alistar said, voice low yet playful

 

_ Maker’s breath wasn’t he beautiful _

 

Cullen slapped himself mentally for the twentieth time. He needed to stop thinking about the king in such an inappropriate manner. For one, both of them were in relationships with  _ women _ ( but the word around was that the king was in an open one) , and second of all Ali was a man and Cullen couldn’t like men, right?

 

Cullen looked back over at Alistair, trying his best to keep his emotions under check.

“Ser, how long do you think you will be staying?” The blond asked, wonderment in his voice

 

“About a week or so. I would like to discuss a plan for defeating this danger to Thedas.” Alistair replied, arms crossed slightly against his chest.

 

“A-alright then.” With that  Cullen went back to discussing their war plans, the thoughts of the king still clouding his mind.

 

_ He needed to talk to Dorian about this later. _

 

**One time he opened up**

 

“Dorian, can I speak to you?” Cullen asked, leaning up against one of the mages bookshelves. 

 

“Of course, Commander.” Dorian nodded his head. “Do you want to speak here or-”

 

“My office , please.” Cullen replied quickly, motioning for the other man to follow him. 

 

Soon enough they both were in Cullens study, both men holding a glass of wine.

 

Dorian cleared his throat. “So Cullen, as much as I love chatting and drinking with you, I know you needed to talk to me about something.” He smiled “What is it?”

 

Cullen sighed into his palms, leaning on his desk. “So...you like men , right?”

 

The other man snorted “Well, Cullen I am flattered but I think that both Aurora and Bull would have a problem if we-”

 

“No… that's not what I meant by that…. it’s just….” Cullen sighed yet again, not sure of what words to say. How does he explain thirty five years of confusion and feelings he never let loose?

 

“You think you are attracted to men, don’t you? And you are confused, correct?” Dorian suggested, talking with his hands a bit.

 

Cullen coughed.“Uh...yes. How did you-”

 

“Trust me, I have seen it enough times.” Dorian smirked. “Man realizes he had been pushing down years of attraction to the same sex due to having an attraction to women and he does not realize he can have his cake and eat some pie too.”

 

Cullen was shocked. How could Dorian be so… blunt about this?  He would have thought it would take more explaining on Cullens part, but he guessed wrong.

 

“Oh.” He looked down. Was it really that simple all that time? He never knew anyone who liked both men and women, well except for Bull (and he just figured it was a qunari thing). He needed to confess to Aurora. 

 

“So, that helped I see?” Dorian tilted his chin up, a smug look across his face

 

“Y-Yes… thank you….” Cullen took a deep breath and stood up. “I… I need to go speak to someone.”

 

“No problem. I will see you later. You are up for a game of chess tonight, right?”

 

\---

 

“So…. You think you like men? As well as women?” Aurora asked, holding her lovers hands

 

“Y-yes.” Cullen replied. Oh maker, she hates him now! Next she will break his heart and he will be alone forever and become a drunk on the streets of Orlais and-

 

“Me too, love.” She smiles, squeezing Cullens hands

 

“R-Really? So you don’t hate me?” He was surprised. He expected her to yell and leave him forever. not relate to him.

 

“Cullen-” She reached up and grabbed the blondes chin “-I could never hate you.”

 

He looked down at her, cheeks flushed. “Me neither. I love you.” he leaned down and kissed her, chaste yet passionate. Aurora pulled away.

 

“I love you too…” She kissed him again. “So… I heard Alistiar is in the same predicament as you -”

 

“What? I mean…” Cullen sputtered yet again. Would that be okay with Eliana? Okay with Aurora?

 

“Yes, love.” She smiled “And I would have no problem if you would like to… explore that. I already know that him and Queen Eliana are rather….open.”

 

Cullen blushed before pausing. “..... so where is Alistair?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> aaaa i may make a sequel to this but I don't know? tell me what you thing please I beg
> 
> if you want to contact me my tumblr is softboyes! 
> 
> please leave kudos and comments they give me life and you will be rewarded with 20000 golden nugs ((((:


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